Giving our Inner Child a Voice

By Ong Yi Xue, Heartscape Psychology Intern

Growing up as adults, many of us would think “I am no longer a child, I should act like an adult”. But did you know that there are times when our actions & feelings reflect how we were as a child? 

All of us have an inner child within us. Sometimes, we walk hand-in-hand with them. Sometimes, they walk in our shadows. Sometimes, they come as wounded parts of us. And sometimes, we do not know that they even exist. In reality, this inner child may appear as the little voice inside us cueing us on what we should do or when actions and experiences remind us of our younger selves. For example, our hurt 12-year-old selves may appear during a couple's fight and choose to hide under a blanket to cry instead of addressing the argument. And that is okay, as noticing our inner child appearing allows us to reconnect with him/her and recognize what are some things that may still be hurting us as adults – for that allows us to find our authentic selves. 

This is how inner child work comes into play, as it is a therapeutic approach that allows us to reconnect with a part of us, who was once a child with emotional experiences and needs that may not have been addressed (Hestbech, 2018). This is with hopes that we could address emotional wounds that still exist within our souls and resurface even as adults. 

Now, you may wonder, is inner child work suitable for everyone and is it that important? Yes, it is suitable for anyone who wishes to give their inner child a voice in hearing past emotional experiences, especially if you’ve grown up in a stressful or traumatic childhood. 

It is important because,

• As children, we all go through unpleasant, stressful, or traumatic experiences and learn ways to connect with our emotions and cope with the situations. Without realizing it, these childhood experiences become embedded in our subconscious minds and continue influencing our thoughts, behaviours, emotions, and relationships with others as adults (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). 

• All of us hold a set of emotional response tools, however, some of them may not be the most healthy, as they may be wounded tools that we learnt to use as children dealing with the complex world and intense emotions (like shutting our emotions, shouting etc). Though these tools served us as a child or even as adults, recognizing them and how they come about can allow us to replace such tools with healthier ones that allow our resilient and authentic adult selves to take over (Jackman, 2020) 

• Giving care and attention to parts of ourselves that were not given compassion allows us to heal from what may have been missing in our childhood. Doing so enhances our resilience to emotional challenges as adults and less likely to be drawn back to our painful past (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). 

• Connecting with our wounded child could allow us to build a whole, authentic self that embraces both our child and adult selves as they co-exist to face life (Jackman, 2020).

"When you give your wounded part a voice, it will rejoice because

the pain is finally heard."

Possible signs that your inner child may wish to be heard 

• Having repeating patterns in your adult relationships: Our wounded child may subconsciously recreate similar attachment patterns as he/she is used to them or does not know how else to function in a relationship (Jackman, 2020). For example, being avoidant during conflicts or anxious about being abandoned by others. 

• Having unhealthy coping mechanisms: Some of our coping mechanisms may be emotional response tools learnt as a child (Jackman, 2020). For example, shutting down or biting our nails when stressed.

• Being hyper-independent: Our wounded child may be afraid of getting hurt or feel used to being alone. For example, having statements like “I don’t need anyone” or “I don’t need help”.

• Being highly reactive: Our wounded child is reminded of similar past childhood experiences or emotions while our adult selves try to manage the external circumstances, leading to the emergence of difficult emotions (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). For example, being easily irritated in our daily lives. 

Getting to know our inner child (Baulch, n.d.)

• Discovering our inner child does not happen in an instant, and it can take days, months, or even years, especially if this inner child is wounded by traumatic or unpleasant experiences that may be overwhelming for our adult selves to manage. 

• Oftentimes, we may not even know that our inner child is activated until after we’ve reacted a certain way. That is normal because we usually act almost instinctively as our inner child works “underground”.  

• As we aren’t sure what our inner child holds until we connect with them, it is helpful to do this work with a mental health professional, as they hold the space for us to explore our childhood in a paced and safe manner. 

Connecting with our inner child 

• Remembering and acknowledging memories or emotions that appear in our mind: Allowing ourselves to feel what our younger self might have felt at that time (Hestbech, 2018).

• Re-parenting: Treating ourselves with the love, safety, and care that we may not have received as a child. Learning to speak to our inner child with compassion and reassuring them that they are safe and stronger now (Hestbech, 2018).

• Addressing unmet needs: Identifying unmet needs as a child and finding ways to meet them now as adults, like the need for safety or affection. After all, we are capable of learning to give ourselves as adults what we did not receive in childhood (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). 

• Letting go of wounded emotional response tools: Acknowledging that such tools have served us and are no longer needed as we heal unnoticed wounds and replace them with healthier tools (Jackman, 2020). 

• Letting go of what has hurt us: Freeing ourselves from the past by forgiving and letting go of the hurt that people may have given us, like our caregivers or friends (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). 

• Speaking to our inner child: Guided exercises like writing a letter or drawing allow us a chance to meet our inner child and offer them words that we never had a chance to receive, like comfort (Subramanian & Raj, 2012). 

Inner child work could evoke feelings of pain, sadness, or even relief. For some, it may feel like the work allows them to grieve what was missing, lost, and could have been in their childhood. Undoubtedly, it could be a messy process as we enter a rollercoaster of feelings, uncovering childhood experiences that slipped our minds as we go through life. However, when inner child work is done in a safe space, it could feel like finally letting go of the heavy baggage of emotional wounds as we, now adults, begin to create the security and care that our younger selves need.

"Our access to the true self is possible only when we no longer have to be afraid of the intense emotional world of our early childhood"

References 

Baulch, J. (n.d.). What is inner child work and how to get started. Inner Melbourne Clinical Psychology. https://www.innermelbpsychology.com.au/what-is-inner-child-work-and-how-to-get-started/

Hestbech, A. M. (2018). Reclaiming the inner child in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy: The complementary model of the personality. The American Journal of Psychotherapy, 71(1). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.20180008

Jackman, R. (2020). Healing your lost inner child. Practical Wisdom Press. 

Subramanian, S., & Raj, I. D. F. (2012). The efficacy of an intervention on healing the inner child on emotional intelligence, and adjustment among the college students. Indian Journal of Health and Wellbeing, 3(3), 648–652. https://www.i-scholar.in/index.php/ijhw/article/view/49460