Navigating Divorce: Until Death Do We Part? Ft. Queen of Tears.
- Heartscape Psychology
- May 10, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Heartscape Psychology Intern, Valeree Soh
Divorce is a tricky topic to broach, and I want to preface this blogpost by emphasising that everyone’s experience with divorce is different and valid. The perspective taken in this blogpost is one of a bystander, and by no means encapsulates the complexities of challenges and emotions involved in a marriage and/or divorce.
Disclaimer: This article contains spoilers.
I’m sure many of you have heard: Queen of Tears is now the highest rated TVN drama, dethroning Crash Landing on You which held that title for four years from 2019 to 2023. And if you’ve (binge-) watched this K-drama, I’m certain that you will agree that their achievement is well-deserved. Though categorised as a romantic comedy, Queen of Tears outdoes itself by incorporating elements of family relationships, friendships, divorce, miscarriage, receiving a poor medical diagnosis, and more.
Queen of Tears brings to the table the reality of marriage, the good and the bad (and the very bad). Rather than marriage being the be-all and end-all as in most K-dramas, Queen of Tears portrays marriage as the start of a new journey. One that is interspersed with pockets of great joy and moments of disappointment and unhappiness, alongside the mundanity of everyday life.
It follows the lives of Baek Hyunwoo and Hong Haein, through the ups and downs of their courtship and subsequent marriage. The K-drama starts on a sour note, where having had enough of the relationship, Baek Hyunwoo was prepared to file for a divorce. As the show unfolded, viewers were given insight as to why their relationship took a turn for the worse, with one of the key points being Haein’s apparent indifference to her miscarriage. (Spoiler: She was totally affected!). This major misunderstanding was left unaddressed, and led to the eventual undoing of their relationship.
Though ideas on divorce have become more liberal over the years, it continues to carry with it a form of social stigma, particularly for women. Singapore is still first and foremost an Asian society, regardless of how Westernised it has become. This means that there are certain values and cultures that are passed through the generations, including the notion of a nuclear family (Kaur, 2021). Those who “break” these implicit societal rules may face backlash, as their actions might be wrongly perceived as being selfish or callous. However, as seen from Baek Hyunwoo’s point of view (and many others in society), while divorce may be self-serving (in the sense that they are freed from the distress they experienced in the marriage), it is more than that. It is also about regaining freedom and independence, improving one’s mental and emotional health, escaping a difficult situation.
With a general increase in the rates of divorce worldwide (Ortiz-Ospina & Roser, 2023), it is no wonder that more studies are looking into the effects of divorce on mental health. While there are also other impacts, the focus here will be on impact on mental health. A recent Danish study found that the health-related quality of life of Danish divorcees was significantly worse than the comparative background population immediately following their divorce (Sander et al., 2020). In particular, the higher the levels of marital conflicts these Danes faced, the worse their mental health was following their divorce (Sander et al., 2020). Another study reviewing the rate of professional care seeking for mental health populations also demonstrated that divorcess across Europe are more likely to seek help than their married or cohabiting counterparts (Bracke et al., 2010). Why does it seem like divorce actually leads to more severe mental health issues? In actuality, most of these studies only began post-divorce, and were probably unable to capture the development of the breakdown in marriage. This breakdown could potentially result in unhealthy coping mechanisms, which worsened over time, possibly causing people to develop a mental health condition.
A very poignant scene was when Hyunwoo and Haein were sitting on the patio outside his family’s convenience store.
Hyunwoo said, “If we had applied ointment on time, disinfected our wounds, and replaced our bandages every time, would things have been different?” He expresses regret for not having done any of these during the course of their marriage, and wonders if they wouldn’t have had to go through all that torment if they had just sought to address the problems and work through them together. Marriage is difficult, but paired with miscommunication and inefficient addressing of issues, it can quickly go wrong and lead to unhappiness for both parties.
The negative emotions experienced during an unhappy marriage probably outweighs the logical thought that divorces have not been shown to lead to happier lives (Waite, 2002). It is all the more important to bear in mind the wedding vows that have been made. Committing to one person “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, until death do us part” is not easy. Marriage is about the daily, intentional choice to be there for someone, through the highs and lows. It may not always be about the warm fuzzy feeling one associates with love. Perhaps it’s about gritting your teeth and getting through something together. As Hyunwoo’s father puts it: “If anything, I’m miserable. But I’m only able to endure it because of the smallest happiness that I feel once in a blue moon. That’s marriage. That’s life.” Honestly, there were so many good scenes talking about the sanctity of marriage and what it means to be married to someone, particularly towards the end. Nobody enters a marriage hoping that it will fail, and similarly, divorce should not be anyone’s first option when experiencing struggles in their marriage.
Eventually, though due to unfortunate circumstances, Hyunwoo and Haein reconciled, and continued to lead a happy life. They really did live up to the “until death do us part,” and even then, Hyunwoo was still shown to be visiting Haein’s grave in Germany. It really was a happy ending. One of his regrets was that he did not ask about Haein’s day more often, or if there was anything that was troubling her. I would like to think that he made up for that after Haein was given a new lease on life. This show really underscored the dangers of a lack of communication and (probably unintentionally) forgetting about the perseverance love requires.
The struggle is real (although I can’t say I understand since I’m not married). If you and your partner are struggling with marriage and find it difficult to see a way out of your situation, Heartscape Psychology is here for you. We understand that everyone’s struggles are different, and our psychologists are here to listen and work together with you to restore your relationship through Couples Therapy.
References
Bracke, P. F., Colman, E., Symoens, S. A., & Van Praag, L. (2010). Divorce, divorce rates, and professional care seeking for mental health problems in Europe: A cross-sectional population-based study. BMC Public Health, 10(1), 224. https://doi.org/10.1186/1471-2458-10-224
Kaur, S. (2021). Commentary: Couples who stay in unhappy unions for the sake of children may end up harming them. Channel News Asia. https://www.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/couples-divorce-marriages-singapore-msf-study-388801
Ortiz-Ospina, E., & Roser, M. (2023). Marriages and Divorces. Our World in Data. https://ourworldindata.org/marriages-and-divorces
Sander, S., Strizzi, J. M., Øverup, C. S., Cipric, A., & Hald, G. M. (2020). When Love Hurts – Mental and Physical Health Among Recently Divorced Danes. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 578083. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.578083
Comments