Small Shoulders, Big Role: Children as Family Mediators

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Ong Yi Xue

Family conflicts are normal when there are disagreements among family members. Adults usually resolve conflicts, however, there are times when hurt adults do not know how to resolve the conflicts. In fact, they may not even be aware that they are hurting. Other times, conflicts continue to happen because there is no space for them to truly understand each other. As the conflict continues, children may be looped into the conflicts because it hurts them to see how their adult family members, who were supposed to protect them, are fighting. This feeling of hurt is amplified in the children’s lens as they are still processing the complex emotional world. 

They may then attempt to stop the family conflicts, without any prior knowledge or tools for resolution, using purely their survival instincts. We call them the mediators, or the little peacemakers.

Now, why do children become mediators? 

1. A sense of responsibility: Children, especially older siblings, may feel responsible for their family members’ safety, resulting in the automatic action to stop conflicts. 

2. Higher emotional awareness: Children with higher emotional awareness or sensitivity would sense tension or unhappiness in the family quickly, resulting in them feeling compelled to intervene. 

3. Absence of a stable adult figure: Children may take over the role of a peacemaker to restore family homeostasis when they notice that there are no emotionally available or reliable parents/guardians (Coe et al., 2020) 

4. Heightened emotional state: Unknowingly, children may attempt to stop conflicts because of the innate desire to stop the intense emotions that they are experiencing. It is a natural human instinct to survive (Mobbs et al., 2015) 

   
   

   

Being a mediator in family conflicts for a prolonged period without proper support, especially as a child, could bring about several long-lasting effects on an individual. 

Positive Effects 

• Conflict resolution skills: Children will grow adept at diffusing tense situations as they realize what are the helpful and unhelpful tools in their family. 

  • However, it is important to know that what was temporarily helpful in the family may not always be healthy tools. 

• Increased empathy & maturity: Children’s emotional awareness and sense of duty will increase as they learn to better recognize different perspectives and issues. 

  • However, it is important for children to develop a set of healthy coping tools first before absorbing the issues to minimize negative impacts on their well-being like feeling overly responsible for everyone’s safety as adults. 

• Enhanced resilience: When children are coping with healthy tools and are sufficiently supported by their parents in understanding the nature of conflicts, they grow to become more resilient adults in facing adversities. 

Negative Effects 

• Identity confusion (Schwartz et al., 2008): 

  • Over time, children will adopt the adult identity of a mediator. Parentification and conditioning happen, where they will instinctively respond as if they were “activated to do their job” on behalf of their parents when there is a sign of family tension/conflict. 

  • It becomes difficult for children to set clear boundaries as they will choose to neglect their responsibilities or emotions to maintain peace. 

• Emotional burden (Morelli et al., 2022):

  • Mediating several family conflicts could result in an increased sense of burden in being the only one maintaining peace, leading to a hyper state of anxiety and fear alongside gradual emotional exhaustion. 

  • This increasing sense of burden to maintain peace could translate into internalized feelings of blame and guilt, especially if they did not manage to resolve the conflict.  

• Relationship issues (Simons et al., 2014): 

  • Witnessing family conflicts could result in the belief that it is hard to trust others or have peaceful relationships; affecting their worldviews as adults. 

  • Little peacemakers could become adult people-pleasers, where they continue to over-accommodate or please others to avoid conflicts across settings. 

• Stunted development (Morelli et al., 2022):  

  • Being a mediator means learning to suppress their emotions to minimize aggravating the chaotic situation. This could result in their inability to feel or regulate emotions even as adults. 

  • With adult family members being emotionally unavailable, the children’s needs may become secondary; leading to delayed growth or unmet needs resurfacing as adults. 

Most importantly, how do we support children who are mediators? 

• Recognize that they are still kids: Remind the children that it is not their job to solve adult problems and allow them to engage in age-appropriate activities and relationships (Jenner, 2021). 

• Recognize the importance of parent accountability: Remind ourselves that adults hold the responsibility, capability, and tools to solve conflicts themselves (Jenner, 2021). 

• Create a safe & age-appropriate space: Engage in open communication with the children where they are allowed to express their feelings that arose from the conflicts without judgments (López-Martínez et al., 2019). It is not a space for adults to vent their anger or request their children to do more. 

• Acknowledge the pain that they experienced: Recognize that it is painful for them to witness family conflicts and that it hurts even more to be the ones solving the conflicts. Apologize for the pain caused to them. 

• Seek professional support: It is okay to seek help (like professional mediators or mental health professionals) if we feel that it is difficult to engage in healthy conflict resolution or navigate the emotional complexities of conflicts. Support the children in getting help should they be struggling with emotional regulation and boundaries or engaging in age-appropriate activities. 

Even if children do not verbalize their thoughts, they still yearn for a childhood where they feel peace, joy, and safety in their family. Just as how the children recognize their adult family members’ pain and become little peacemakers, it is important for adults to recognize that their children are hurting too witnessing family conflicts. 

The role of a mediator is heavy enough for adults and even professionals. What more for a child who has yet to experience the world? 

References 

Coe, J. L., Davies, P. T., Hentges, R. F., & Sturge-Apple, M. L. (2019). Understanding the nature of associations between family instability, unsupportive parenting, and children’s externalizing symptoms. Development and Psychopathology, 8, 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579418001736

Jenner, N. (2021, July 29). Adult issues we should not be talking to our children about. The Online Therapist. https://theonlinetherapist.blog/adult-issues-we-should-not-be-talking-to-our-children-about/

López-Martínez, P., Montero-Montero, D., Moreno-Ruiz, D., & Martínez-Ferrer, B. (2019). The role of parental communication and emotional intelligence in child-to-parent violence. Behavioral Sciences, 9(12), Article 148. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs9120148

Mobbs, D., Hagan, C. C., Dalgleish, T., Silston, B., & Prévost, C. (2015). The ecology of human fear: survival optimization and the nervous system. Frontiers in Neuroscience, 9, Article 55. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnins.2015.00055

Morelli, N. M., Hong, K., Garcia, J., Elzie, X., Alvarez, A., & Villodas, M. T. (2022). Everyday conflict in families at risk for violence exposure: Examining unique, bidirectional associations with children’s anxious- and withdrawn-depressed symptoms. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 51(3), 317–330. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-022-00966-6

Schwartz, S. J., Mason, C. A., Pantin, H., & Szapocznik, J. (2008). Effects of family functioning and identity confusion on substance use and sexual behavior in Hispanic immigrant early adolescents. Identity, 8(2), 107–124. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283480801938440

Simons, L. G., Simons, R. L., Landor, A. M., Bryant, C. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (2014). Factors linking childhood experiences to adult romantic relationships among African Americans. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(3), 368–379. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0036393