Tangerines and Tart Truths: Why Love Can Sometimes Feel Like a Burden

By Heartscape Psychology Intern, Gladys

Sometimes, even small passing comments from our loved ones can trigger a storm of irritation. In that moment, we lose control of our emotions and say nasty things we end up regretting. This leads itself into a recurring cycle of feeling guilty for being loved, and pushing away the ones we can’t bear to lose. 

The recent winner of the Best Drama award at the 61st Baeksang Arts Awards, When Life Gives You Tangerines (WLGYT), captures this dilemma beautifully in telling Geum-myeong's story.

The abundance of Geum-myeong’s parents’ love for her is hard to miss. They spend their days worrying about every detail of her life, wondering how she is faring alone away from home. Geum-myeong feels her parents’ love, yet she often meets their affection with impatience. To a certain extent, their love for her becomes a burden she carries as she navigates her own challenges as a budding adult. 

Borrowing the lens of the principles of schema therapy, we gather insights into understanding why love can hurt, even in abundance.

Image Credit: Netflix

Understanding Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS):

Early Maladaptive Schemas (EMS) are “broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one's relationship with others, developed during childhood and elaborated throughout one's lifetime, and dysfunctional to a significant degree” (Young, 2003)

Referencing the schema therapy model, there are 18 EMS that are categorised into 5 schema domains, each representing an important component of a child's core needs. 

As we explore Geum-myeong’s story in WLGYT, we identify three main schemas that present themselves as she navigates adulthood and the relationship with her parents: in the disconnection & rejection domain: defectiveness/shame (DS), and social isolation/alienation (SI), and in the other-directedness domain: self-sacrifice (SS). 

Defectiveness/Shame (DS) Schema: The Burden of Guilt in Parental Sacrifice

The DS schema refers to the deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness and inferiority. In WLGYT, the weight of knowing how much her parents sacrifice for her makes Geum-myeong feel guilty and undeserving of their sacrifices. 

In the scene where Geum-myeong hears that her father, Gwan-sik, took a huge detour solely to visit her in Seoul, she breaks down in tears overwhelmed by the guilt of not doing well enough to justify the sacrifices they had made. When they meet, Geum-myeong finally breaks the news to her father that she had lost her job, failed to obtain a scholarship, and had to leave the university residences. Yet instead of disappointment, Gwan-sik responds with comfort and tells her that he will catch more fish to pay for her rent. This unconditional support, however, only deepens her guilt and adds on to the burden of carrying his love, which she struggled to feel deserving of.

Image Credit: Netflix

In another scene, overwhelmed with pressure and in tears, Geum-myeong asks her mother, “Why do everything for me and bury me in guilt?” The exasperation she expresses echoes her deep belief that she is undeserving of her parents’ selflessness. Each act of love only reminds her of how little she can give in return.

Image Credit: Netflix

Geum-myeong’s guilt towards her father particularly shines through in the scene featuring their final moments together. Running alongside the stretcher, Geum-myeong repeatedly apologises to her father as he is wheeled into the operating room. This characterises the raw feelings of guilt towards Gwan-sik, not due to any unresolved conflicts, but because in her core, she felt that she could never repay his love and sacrifices that had carried her so far.

Social Isolation/Alienation (SI) Schema: The Loneliness That Comes With Love

The social isolation/alienation (SI) schema refers to the feeling that one is isolated from the people in one’s community. 

While she is consistently cared for by her loving parents, Geum-myeong struggles with emotional loneliness, especially living away from them in a big and cold city. The adulthood she is navigating in the modern world, marked by career uncertainties and the quiet grind of urban survival, is vastly different from that of her parents’ in their time. As a result, her struggles feel far removed from her parents’ world and impossible for them to understand. As she fights a lonely battle against silent pressures and unmet expectations, Geum-myeong carries the SI schema within her: a deep-rooted belief that she is alone in her struggles, even when love is present abundantly.

The Self-Sacrifice (SS) Schema: When Loving Hurts Without Meaning To

In the other-directedness domain, Geum-myeong presents the self-sacrifice (SS) schema, where one puts others' needs above their own, usually out of guilt or fear of causing pain.

In WLGYT, when Geum-myeong is presented with the opportunity to study abroad, she calls her mother, Ae-sun, to share how thankful she was that her lecturer was willing to pay for her to go, despite not eventually taking up the offer. When Ae-sun asks for the cost of the program, suggesting that she was prepared to work harder for her daughter’s future once again, Geum-myeong, reluctant to further burden her parents, refuses to tell her. 

Image Credit: Netflix

Trapped by the same SS schema, both women suppress their own needs to do what’s best for the other, and inevitably clash. Feeling overwhelmed by her mother’s insistence, Geum-myeong thoughtlessly grumbles that speaking to her is annoying. Ironically, in trying so hard to spare her mother more pain, she ends up hurting the person she is “a million times grateful” toward, demonstrating how the SS schema leads us to unintentionally hurting those we love most. 

Reflection: Moving Beyond Schemas That Shape Our Relationships

Reflecting on Geum-myeong’s story lends us some insights in discovering exactly why love can hurt. Particularly as audience born and raised in similar Asian contexts, Geum-myeong’s relationship with her parents may seem vastly familiar, and we might even see ourselves in her. The dynamics we observe within the family, characterised by silent sacrifices and unspoken expectations, can subtly reinforce maladaptive schemas over time. 

Schemas like the ones discussed above are typically deeply ingrained in our social cognitions and tend to characterise our relationships with ourselves and others. 

These schemas can make us feel:

• Guilty from being “undeserving” of love (DS),

• Alone in our struggles even while surrounded by an abundance of love (SI), and

• Obligated to put the needs of others above our own (SS)

In order to heal these schemas, let’s remind ourselves to practice self-compassion and allow ourselves to accept love without the weight of guilt. Reaching out and being intentional in vulnerably sharing our feelings are also ways to bridge the emotional distance that we feel with others. 

References:

Young, J. (2003). The Schema Therapy Model. International Society of Schema Therapy. https://schematherapysociety.org/Schema-Therapy#:~:text=We%20define%20schemas%20as:%20%22broad,dysfunctional%20to%20a%20significant%20degree.%22