Unravelling the Knot of Being a People Pleaser

By Ong Yi Xue, Heartscape Psychology Intern

I often hear my friends say, “Stop being a people-pleaser! Just say what you want; it is okay!” Yes, I want to, but in reality, it is difficult. 

I have been struggling with being a people pleaser for the longest time ever, so here is the article about people-pleasing today, hoping that it could provide a sense of comfort to any of you who feel the same. You’re not alone in this. 

So what is “people pleasing”? It is a pattern of behaviour where an individual constantly puts the desires, needs, and approvals of others above their own (Devina & Murdiana, 2024). It is the act of going out of the way or comforting others to make them happy, even if it affects their well-being and putting their opinions aside. 

How do we know if we are exhibiting “people-pleasing” behaviours? 

1. Saying yes when we want to say no: “Yes, I am okay with it”. It is often challenging for people-pleasers to set boundaries as they often agree to other people’s requests or opinions even if deep down, the answer is a huge NO! (Hinton et al., 2020). 

2. Over-apologizing: “Sorry, sorry” is probably a phrase that people-pleasers would commonly say, even if they did nothing wrong so that it does not upset others. 

3. Approval-seeking: “Is this okay for you?” People pleasers often depend on others’ validation to decide if they should proceed with a choice as they will make the changes if needed (Leary & Gabriel, 2022). 

4. Conflict avoidant: “Let’s not fight”. People pleasers would suppress their opinions or feelings to avoid conflicts, even if it means feeling untrue or uncomfortable. 

5. Overthinking: “She should be okay with my idea right?” People pleasers would often spend time worrying if their decisions were right for others and how they were perceived as they do not want to be disliked. 

Common reasons for “people-pleasing” behaviours:

1. Childhood experiences: How we were brought up since we were a child largely influences how we function as adults. If we grow up having to conform to certain behaviours to be a “good child”, gain approval from adults or friends for love and attention, or be mediators for family conflicts, we may be more inclined towards pleasing others than expressing our needs (Devina & Murdiana, 2024).

2. Low self-esteem: People pleasers may have lower self-esteem and may depend on external validation to feel a sense of worth (Baker & McNulty, 2013). 

3. Fear of rejection: People pleasers may believe that not going along with others may result in being rejected or unaccepted, and this is a fear that they wish to avoid (Leary & Gabriel, 2022). 

4. Desire for harmony: People pleasers may be harmonious, as they prefer to smooth things out than having conflicts as it may lead to worse outcomes like broken relationships. 

5. Indecisiveness: People pleasers may not be sure which decision is better for everyone and may choose to follow along with others’ opinions. 

How does being a people pleaser affect us as a human being? 

1. Suppressed emotions: People-pleasers could develop the habit of suppressing difficult emotions and opinions over time, making it gradually challenging to express their authentic selves. Having their needs unmet and their voices unheard may then lead to feelings of resentment towards others (Tyra et al., 2024). 

2. Anxiety: It can induce a heightened sense of anxiety and restlessness in us to constantly be trying to meet expectations and avoid conflicts (Devina & Murdiana, 2024). 

3. Challenge setting boundaries: Over time, boundaries are blurred or almost non-existent for people-pleasers, as it is set by and for others – leading to feelings of overburden, stress, and loss of self. 

4. Imposter syndrome: Without a solid sense of self, people pleasers may struggle to acknowledge their achievements, as it mainly derives from going along with others rather than internal, authentic efforts. 

5. Unsatisfactory relationships: With blurred boundaries and unexpressed thoughts, people pleasers may struggle to find deep intimacy and fulfillment in their relationships as they may always be the ones compromising and feeling powerless (Lin et al., 2014). 

How do we cope with being a people pleaser? 

1. Cultivating stronger self-worth: Discovering and acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses as a person to increase your sense of self-worth – loving yourself as who you are and knowing that there will be people who will love you just as you are (Devina & Murdiana, 2024). 

2. Identifying our needs: Asking yourself what you want and need as a human being. Start by practicing self-care and journaling down your needs so that it could be easier to express them next time – giving yourself a voice. 

3. Setting small boundaries: Asking yourself what are your limits and when are the times that it is really a “no” for you. Start small with your loved ones whom you’re more comfortable with (Hinton et al., 2020).

4. Self-validation: Assuring yourself that it is okay not to be able to please everyone because we are all unique beings with different needs and preferences (Devina & Murdiana, 2024). 

5. Challenging your thoughts: The next time that you feel the need to please someone or do something to avoid being rejected, ask yourself why you feel the need to do so and what benefits it would give to both the person and yourself (Devina & Murdiana, 2024)

6. Seeking professional support: If you find that your “people-pleasing” behaviours may be due to underlying reasons that are hard to resolve alone, know that it is okay to seek professional help. 

As a people pleaser myself, I acknowledge that it is not easy to stop being a people pleaser overnight. After all, it is a habit that developed gradually and has served us in several, if not many situations. It could be uncomfortable to challenge the thought of being a people pleaser, but it is not impossible to work towards giving ourselves a voice that yearns to be heard and seen as well. As I take my small steps in having a more balanced sense of self, I hope that this article gave you some strength in taking your small steps as well. 

Know that you deserve to be heard and seen ❤️‍🩹✨

References 

Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). When low self-esteem encourages behaviors that risk rejection to increase interdependence: The role of relational self-control. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(6), 995–1018. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032137

Devina, N. A., & Murdiana, S. (2024). The relationship between self-acceptance and people pleaser in late adolescents who experienced parental divorce. International Journal of Society Reviews, 2(4), 1002–1010. https://injoser.joln.org/index.php/123/article/view/136

Hinton, A. O., McReynolds, M. R., Martinez, D., Shuler, H. D., & Termini, C. M. (2020). The power of saying no. EMBO Reports, 21(7), Article e50918. https://doi.org/10.15252/embr.202050918

Leary, M. R., & Gabriel, S. (2022). Chapter five - The relentless pursuit of acceptance and belonging. Advances in Motivation Science, 9, 135–178. https://doi.org/10.1016/bs.adms.2021.12.001

Lin, W.-F., Lin, Y.-C., Huang, C.-L., & Chen, L. H. (2014). We can make it better: “We” moderates the relationship between a compromising style in interpersonal conflict and well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 17, 41–57. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-014-9582-8 

Tyra, A. T., Fergus, T. A., & Ginty, A. T. (2023). Emotion suppression and acute physiological responses to stress in healthy populations: A quantitative review of experimental and correlational investigations. Health Psychology Review, 18(2), 396–420. https://doi.org/10.1080/17437199.2023.2251559